Stacey ran away!

I'm having problems with my children slipping away. A few days ago, my child said I didn't notice her enough, and I said, "whatever, I love all of you equally." Today I noticed she was missing! Then Berry said she ran away 2 days ago, so I went looking for her.

I searched far and wide, looking through the streets of Baltimore. I even asked the local gangsters if they had seen a little girl, but they hadn't.

After that, I flew all the way to China and then to Brazil. I finally found her in Iraq where they had given her a haircut and she was being trained to hunt and kill Americans.

I will never again neglect my child.

Berry's little girlfriend

My son Berry has a new girlfriend. Her name is Sally. They're cute because they call each other pet names like Bubba and cupcake. Aren't they adorable!

Kidnapped!

Tonight when I got back from working at the horseraces as a pooper-scooper, Berry came up to me and said that he was scared because a man in a van was there earlier that offered them candy and he took Lambert away! I knew I should have told them never to accept candy from strangers! Luckily Berry followed them to Skullcrusher Mountain so I knew where to go.

It was now 7:30 and dusk was settling. At the bottom of the mountain I saw a evil cackling leprachaun!

I followed him to a secret cave with a winding staircase. When I came to the top I met a man. He told me I'd come to the wrong place. I said, "you're wrong!" and shoved past him.

I then found Lambert and my other child in a cell and we escaped through a tunnel in the ground that led to a trash pit with giant snakes but we got out safely! Never more will I fail to fulfill my parenting duties! Now we're safe and no longer scared.

Arrghh!

Me and the kids went to eat at this nice restaurant, and who was there?? Arrghh, my ex-wife! The kids were excited to see their mom but it gets awkward every time we see each other, and her sister Melissa was there too!! Once in college before I met her sister, Melissa and I sort of had this fling but it wasn't too serious of course. Also her new lover was there-apparently he's a mormon who's trying to "flirt-to-convert" her. I'm glad to be home now sitting in the comfort of my computer.

Here's some of us dancing after eating:

Imaginary friends'

I took my kids to see the movie Inception, and they loved it!! especially the dream within a dream within a dream. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming here in this blog.

By the way, my kids are so creative! I found this picture and asked the other child what it was and she said that the orange one is her imaginary friend llama named Ivana, and Ivana's imaginary friend is the blue fuzzy one named Jake:

Mullet growth

I've been growing my hair out because I read this article in the newspaper, and I decided if we want to change the world we've really got to start with ourselves:

http://newnewsnet.byu.edu/story.cfm/30479

Here's a picture of Berry's new haircut as well

Doctor visit

Berry's a big eater, and this morning he was feeling particular unwell from last night's feast. It was supposed to be a crab feast but he ate EVERYTHING. He loves food! I told him last night that his stomach ache must have been because he was eating too fast and he needed to slow it down. Anyway, since he was still rolling around in pain this morning I took him to see the pediatrician:

Here's what they found:

See, I was right from the beginning! Berry has definitely got to slow down his eating.

Funny picture

Today, one of my kid's teachers showed me this picture she drew! Isn't it adorable? My kids make such cute little artists!

I don't get what's up with her teacher being such a worry-wart. It was sooo artistic!

Lambert's update

Since last time I told Lambert he should include more violence in his news reports, his sales have tripled! and he made almost $2 yesterday. He was so excited he wanted to spend it all on a pair of mustache glasses so he could go undercover to do his reporting:

Here is a sample of his writing:

Extra - Woman's house blows up due to gas

Police are attempting to calm a local elderly woman as she cries in front of her now-burning house. She claims she left the gas stove on in the kitchen and when she struck a match to light a cigarette the whole thing caught on fire. However, police became suspicious after finding doobies on the ground in front of where the fire begun, and later determined that the stove runs on electricity instead of natural gas. The real truth may end up being that flatulance is involved and that the woman was merely trying to cover up a bad case of gas.

-Bert Jones

Kid's mom's visit

Today the kids mom came for a visit. I was up in my room, angry, so I didn't come down. I could hear them giggling the whole time-it was so annoying! To make matters worse, she brought her new lover, Mr. K. Yo:

Here's the pic they took of her and Lambert:

Now I'm alone, and I don't know what to do.

Berry's joke

Berry drew a joke today! He's such a goofball!

Birthday!

So today is Berry's birthday! He's so excited! Now he is 7! It makes me feel so old-I won't say how old I am! I bought him a truck and some ninja turtles. The other child started crying when he opened them because she thinks I didn't buy her anything for her birthday. I think I did...Anyway, I love Berry! He is such a goofball! He wants to be a philosopher when he grows up-Just the other day he said, "We all make mistakes. We're all human...some of us are just more human than others!"

Here's a picture of his birthday cake and him holding a present:

Here he is holding a bug he found in his cake. I think the other child talked Lambert into putting it there but then he scared her with it so they're even now.

Lambert

I'm just excited to begin blogging, so here's another post:

Lambert wants to be a newspaper reporter, and he can read well, but he's not too good at math. The other day, he printed out this story he wrote, about the local kid who got lost in the woods for 3 days. When they found him he was sleeping in the sun and covered in red, and at first they thought it was a bear attack but then he smiled and they realized he had been gorging himself with the berries he found. Anyway, Lambert is always so enterprising so he was trying to sell this "newspaper" to the neighbors. When he got home he was so disappointed because he only made 39 cents. He thought that if he sold "a hundred" he would be "a billionaire." Isn't that cute? He's my little sweetheart! I told him if he packed it full of more shootings and scandals people would buy it more, so we'll see how it goes. It's been so nice watching him try new things. He's so lovable!

Berry's question

Today, Berry asked me a question (Berry is the youngest), "Dad, where did I come from?" I tried to explain the molecular detail by telling him about salmon swimming up a river, and he said, "But Dad, fish lay eggs. Did you have eggs?" so I gave up and said, "a stork brought you."

Today

Today is a new day. I am starting a blog. This will be about my 3 kids, Berry (6), Stacey (9), Lambert (10), and me. Their mom left us, but that's okay because me and my little ones are still together and I am young and looking for a fresh start. No more looking behind me, life! It's a new day!